It's 6.30am in the morning. Sitting infront of the dressing table getting ready for school I thought about the trip home later today. Another year. Another tight feeling at the heart and stomach. I am well into mid 50s and yet...the Chinese culture so intertwined in our lives makes it almost mandatory that we travel home to our parents and parents in law. Again...which set to go back to...when can I spend the eve with my parents? Because I am a daughter and a wife, I need to spend that auspicious 30th evening of the Lunar Calendar with my in laws? Can I spend this evening with my mother? my father? Is it wrong?Does spending this evening with my parents mean I do not respect my husband?
For 26 years I have dutifully spent the eve with my in-laws. For 26 years my mum has that longing to have me with her. Do I dare go against the tide and walk along my own path? Will I seem defiant? Will I hurt my loved ones?
Yes I will...maybe next year. I will explain that it's time that my parents have me for the eve. ..and the girls. Not for long I believe...and the cycle will go on again. Three daughters...hahaha who will spend the eve with me? I must teach then to break the 'taboo'.
Pondering over this issue I can't help but feel that times have changed...so we too must change. I have these proposals to make:
1. Adopt a rotation system...alternate years. One year here, another there.
2. If there are all girls and no boys, the girls should take turns to be there for their parents for the eve.
3. If you only have boys and no girls , be generous and release some for others. You will be appreciated.
In days like these, just as an ex-student's mum told me yesterday,
" Puan Chong , luckily I have only one daughter. You know sending her to Melbourne for the last few years cost me a bomb and I cannot imagine if I had more."...you see , girls are very well brought up and are given the very best by their parents. Have they no right to having them occasionally for the lunar calendar eve? An only child and by virtue of a marriage has she totally to be on the other side of the fence? Oh how unfair! Do you not think so?
Incidentally, at the toilet this morning,
Puan X : Aya, I have to go back to my in laws la!
Me : Me too.
Puan X : But you have both the families in Johor. My one in Penang and the other in Pahang. Very sien la! I want to be with my mother!
On another conversation with another colleague,
Me : So you're going back too? Your parents and in laws are all gone , aren't they?
Puan Y : Yup I will go see my brother.
Me : What about your husband?
Puan Y : He goes back to his sister's side, I go to my brother's side.
Me : Ayo, the children?
Puan Y : Just last nite he insisted that we put up with his sister. I said no. You go your side , I go my side. The children? They are big enough . Let them decide themselves!
Me : Wa...good for you.
Puan X : Luckily my mother did not even take a single cent of dowry for my wedding. I am mistress of my own life. I am a good wife, a good mother, I earn just as well if not more. So can't I have my own say? Hei my mum said she did not sell me off. I was just being made a wife. That's all. On top of everything else I am more comfortable in my own home la. I just don't see eye to eye the way they do things, I want to be with my siblings la!
Me : Everything sounds familiar. I agree whole heartedly. Kudos !
Times have changed. As the saying goes, the more you give the more you receive. So we must learn to understand circumstances and oblige one another for the sake of peace. This will go on and on till kingdom comes.
Having 3 girls, I too hope things will work out for me one day...the way of peace... in good Chinese New Year spirit.
To all my friends, students and passersby, here's the best for the year and God Bless.
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