A Chinese Mother

I speak ; as a Chinese mother.

Esther sent me a mail on an extract written by Amy Chua; a professor at Yale University which basically differentiates the upbringing pattern of Western and Asian practices.

...Western parents try to respect their children's individuality encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they are capable of and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away...

I have been found guilty in many ways after my girls read this article particularly with reference to the following :

• ...hey fatty ; lose some weight... ( I did that to 2 of them) ; they are now slim and beautiful.
• ...Chinese parents spend approximately 10x as long every day drilling academic activities with their children ... ( all 3 girls got it from me); now you know where the As came from.
• ...if a child comes home with an A minus on a test , a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong (Sara was caned in primary school not by me but by dad for that B in moral which she remembers till today)

... the list goes on and on...

But I am Chinese brought up by a set of parents who knew hunger and deprivations in life. They drummed into me the need to do well in school to break vicious cycles. How then do I behave? I followed instructions; did well in school and went to the university with little fuss. Now that I am a teacher; really what else can I do ? Of course it's the discipline that I need to drill and exercise ... letting them see what they are capable of and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can take away...so well said and very well-liked by me, the Chinese mother. Now that my children have grown up I wonder if they will also emulate my style or will they go the other direction of allowing their children a big say and let them have their way. I dare them.

So does one really think that the Chinese mother has been selfish in her ambition to make successful academicians out of her children ? Or whether the employed style would have created serious psychological harm? I was brought up with far less care and I went through times of thrashing from my parents. Today I still love them dearly and never for a moment blame them for the upbringing; my Chinese parents.

Just this morning No. 1 messaged me after reading my latest entry and virtually accused me of not allowing her to sing and depriving her of a singing career in her younger days and becoming a 'star'. She would have probably turned out to be Madonna if I were that Western mother. I asked if she was glad of my intervention to which she replied... do you really want to know the answer?... I did not ask for it.

Really after all those years and having done my duty to my best ( so I think) , I cannot hold her life anymore. If she wants to sing; sing la. If she wants to dance, dance la. I believe I have led her to her potential and she is now armed with work habits, skills and inner confidence that no one can take away ; that is the crux. How she arrives at it; I can only apologise for some uncalled for moments.

I , the Chinese mother am free of guilt and still think the Chinese have a good way of bringing up their children. I will watch out for my next generation's style. They mustn't be quick to conclude as they have the Chinese blood and may do exactly the way they have been brought up...

... I sound so evil, don't I?...